Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
