apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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