she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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