the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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