Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
