theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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