Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
