the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
