You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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