I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
