We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
