8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
