my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So much rum. So many feels.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
