If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
