You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
