Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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