sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
