Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
