I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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