woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
