I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
