That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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