he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
They took my balls.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Someone came in the potted fern
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
