his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
