we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
