just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Houston, we have a squirter
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
