My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
