i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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