Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
