I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
