Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
