I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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