Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
