I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
