Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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