something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
