I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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