Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize