Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
