a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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