btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
