he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
