no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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