You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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