My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
