My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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