If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
