Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
