Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
