We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
