he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
