this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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