Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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