In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
