Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
