I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
