There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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