i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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