Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
