I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
