You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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