So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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