8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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