she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
