Only a mothe r could love this liver
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
