if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
