i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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