I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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